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Topic:Some people think music plays an important role in society. Others think it is it is simply a form of entertainment. Discuss both sides of this argument and give your own opinion.In many parts of the world,art is inextricably associated with the whole community.Specifically,people cave sculptures in honer of great people who contribute to human✀s progress,or painted records bits and pieces of life.Among these art forms,music enjoys wide popular affections.Many people find music is indispensable for the society,for instance,numerous psychiatric hospitals use it as a cure tool;when people listen some soft music,they will feel relax and become activity again after hard wording all day;even in the factories,leaders play music to help employees work more efficiently.What✀s more,music has long been an expression of people from different cultures around the world.However,no matter how much it may have differed in disparity parts,it seems that music served a general society purpose:to bring people together.Those who feel that music is just a type of amusement might argue that it can be replaced by any of recreational activities.There seems to be some likelihood that people can release their working pressure by sports,at the same time,it can strong their body either.In the same way,having afternoon tea is a great diversion for people,they could chat with each other at a light environment,in this way,stress will disappear unconsciously.Personally,I think that music is the perfect art and our lives would be that much less complete without it,it is one of the ways we make sense of our lives,one of the ways in which we express feeling when we have no words,a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we can✀t with our minds.So,in my opinion music is both important to individual and society.语法错误?逻辑改进?大概分数?